Funnies - Issue 105 Dec 05

From Diane:

Have you heard that women ‘of a certain age’ like me often suffer from the CRAFT syndrome?
Can't Remember A F.......ing Thing!

A reader of these pages heard this and responded:

‘You may be surprised to know there is a CRAFT Club and they have their own tie. I am a member and so are many of the Suffolk Officers’ Dinner Club.’
B&C 105

THE TRAIN - DURING WW2
From Ben Turner:
The train was crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked: ‘Please ma’am, may I sit in that seat?’
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said: ‘You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?’
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked: ‘Please lady, may I sit there? I’m very tired.’
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted: ‘You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.’
The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up: ‘You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.’
B&C 105

THE WAG IN THE PARAS
From Don Drew:
He had ‘Dig here for Charlie’ written on top of his helmet!

THE REFRESHING SIGHT
From the Late Gwyn Button (click here for his obituary)
A beautiful girl, walking in the country one hot day, was unable to resist a small lake, surrounded by trees. As there was no-one in sight, she stripped off her clothes and luxuriated in the cool water. Later, as she was drying off in the sun, a voice suddenly barked: ‘Camouflage Battalion, forward march!’
Every tree around the lake marched off.
B&C 105

GETTING OLD
From the Late Gwyn Button, first published in the print copy of B&C 92 Jun 99

Getting Old
Everything hurts.
What doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
Your children begin to go bald.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t make it work.
Your back goes out more than you do.

THE SENIORS
From Mef in Botswana:
A very elderly gentleman, in his mid 90s, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid 80s.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says: ‘So tell me, do I come here often?’
****************************************************

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month doctor and the doctor said: ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

‘The gentleman replied: ‘Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!’
****************************************************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?’

Slim says, ‘I feel just like a new-born baby.’

‘Really! Like a new-born baby?’

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
****************************************************

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two men were talking, and one said: ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’

‘The other man asked: ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said: ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know. The one that's red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that's the one,’ replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled: ‘Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
***************************************************

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don't know,’ he said.

‘She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

CHEAP T-SHIRTS ANYONE ?
From Lt Col Tim Seal
Arriving soon after the 6 Jul 05 announcement that London would host the 2012 Olympics.
Not in B&C print copy

ABOUT THE POSTCARD
Years ago a Royal Norfolk soldier went AWOL and stowed away on the MV Orsova. Arriving in Perth, Australia, he was arrested.
From the nick he sent his CO a postcard, inscribed:
‘Wish you were here!’
B&C 105

ABOUT A REQUEST TO JOIN THE PARAS
Long ago a young 2Lt decided he fancied parachuting.
Appearing before the Adjutant, Richard Wilson (later Major, Trg Maj 6 R Anglian and made MBE in 2005), he explained he'd been advised at the Royal Military Academy, Sandhurst, by the Regimental rep Dick Gerrard Wright (later General) that he could apply for a transfer to the Parachute Regt and requested an interview with the CO.
Richard went in to advise the CO of the request. The response is not fit to print here!
However, the Adjt reminded the CO that he still needed to see the subaltern.
It was agreed.
Appearing before the CO, who'd been on the beach on D-Day, the young 2Lt explained his desire.
The CO's response was clear: 'If you want to jump then transfer to the PARAS!'
Said Subaltern declined. He later commanded a Bn, retiring as a Col.
However, at Suffolk ACF Rollestone Camp 05, he was seen, with the B&C Webmaster, exiting a perfectly sound aircraft mit ‘Annual Heating Allowance’ chit!
B&C 105

ABOUT THE CAR JOURNEY
Long ago, General Jack Dye CBE MC DL, in full dress uniform, was returning to East Anglia from the Midlands after an inspection. On the dual carriageway at around midnight, in the depths of winter, the General requested a ‘comfort stop’. After an interval, the rear door was heard to close so the ADC said to the driver: ‘Carry on.’
After a mile or so the ADC addressed the General. There was no response so the ADC repeated his observation. There was still no response. Turning around to see if the General was asleep, the ADC was aghast to see an empty rear seat! ‘Cpl, best speed to the next junction and head back to Nottingham.’
After several miles, now well past midnight, a roundabout was negotiated and the staff car, breaking all speed limits, hurtled north. On the far side of the dual carriageway the ADC spotted a figure in dark clothing. After quite a few more miles a roundabout was reached and they sped, once again south. Finally, the shivering General was helped into the staff car.
Good one Mike!
B&C 105

ABOUT KILROY
There was one person who led or participated in every combat, training or occupation operation since WW2. He could always be depended on. GI's began to consider him the ‘Super GI’, the one who always got there first or who was always there when they left. Somehow, this simple graffiti captured the imagination of GI's everywhere they went. The scribbled cartoon face and words showed up everywhere - worldwide.
This legend started with James J Kilroy, a shipyard inspector during WW2. He chalked the words on bulkheads to show that he had been there and had inspected the riveting in the newly constructed ship. To the troops in those ships, however, it was a complete mystery and all they knew for sure was that he had ‘been there first’. As a joke, they began placing the graffiti wherever they (the US forces) landed or went, claiming it was already there when they arrived. Kilroy became the US Super-GI who always got there first, wherever GI's went. It became a challenge to place the logo in the most unlikely places. It is said to be atop Mt Everest, the Statue of Liberty, the underside of the Arch de Triomphe and scrawled in the dust on the moon. An outhouse was built for the exclusive use of Truman, Stalin and Churchill for the Potsdam conference. The first person to use it was Stalin. He emerged and asked his aide (in Russian): ‘Who is Kilroy?’
The site at:
www.kilroywashere.org/001-Pages/01-0KilroyLegends.html
quotes that the cartoon has been seen recently in Iraq!
At www.wordorigins.org/wordork.htm
The New York Times, 24 Dec 1946, credited James J Kilroy of Quincy, Massachusetts with starting the craze. Kilroy was an inspector at the Bethlehem Steel shipyard in that city, and used a yellow crayon to write ‘Kilroy was here’ on items that he had inspected. The graffiti became a common sight around the shipyard, and was imitated by many of the other 14 000 shipyard workers when they were drafted and sent around the world.

B&C 105

ABOUT MR CHAD
The cartoon usually associated with Kilroy has quite a different origin. It is originally British, named Mr Chad, and apparently predates the Kilroy phrase by a few years. It commonly appeared with the phrase ‘Wot, no ------?’ underneath, with the blank filled in with whatever happened to be in short supply at the time (eg: Wot, no spam?). Sometime during WW2 Chad and Kilroy met and in the spirit of Allied unity, merged, with the British drawing appearing over the American phrase. The OED lists Chad's origin as ‘obscure’, but it may have been created by George Edward Chatterton, a cartoonist in civilian life who spent WW2 in the RAF. B&C 105

ABOUT BEING 70
Being 70 is no fun at all. At that age they expect you to retire to a house in Florida and complain about your arthritis (they used to call it lumbago) and you ask everybody to stop mumbling because you can't understand them. (Actually your hearing is about 50 percent gone.) B&C 105

LIFE BEGINS AT 80
Frank C Laubach says: I have good news for you. If you survive until you are 80, everybody is surprised that you are still alive. They treat you with respect just for having lived so long. Actually they seem surprised that you can walk and talk sensibly.
Being 80 is a lot better than being 70. At 70 people are mad at you for everything. At 80 you have a perfect excuse no matter what you do. If you act foolishly, it's your second childhood. Everybody is looking for symptoms of softening of the brain.
The first 80 years are the hardest. The second 80 are a succession of birthday parties. Once you reach 80, everyone wants to carry your baggage and help you up the steps. If you forget your name or anybody else's name, an appointment, your own telephone number, promise to be three places at the same time, or can't remember how many grandchildren you have, you need only explain that you are 80. So please, folks, try to make it to 80. It's the best time of life. People forgive you for anything. If you ask me, life begins at 80. B&C 105