Funnies - Issue 104 Jun 05

THE BA 747 AT FRANKFURT AIRPORT
From Maj Greta Thornbury TD QARANC:

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect you to know your gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a BA 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: ‘Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.’
Ground: ‘Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha 1-7.’
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and stopped.

Ground: ‘Speedbird, do you know where you are going?’
Speedbird 206: ‘Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.’

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): ‘Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?’
Speedbird 206 (coolly): ‘Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land.’
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THE HEARING TEST FOR THE WIFE
From Laura James in NY:

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he visited the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,’ said the Doctor. ‘Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, ‘I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.’

In a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?’

No response.

So he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats: ‘Honey, what's for dinner?’ Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks: ‘Honey, what's for dinner?’

Again he gets no response.

He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what's for dinner?’

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. ‘Honey, what's for dinner?’

‘Earl, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!’
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THE MARRIED COUPLE
From my daughter Elfrida

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old woman would shout: ‘When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!’

Neighbours feared her. They believed she practiced blackmagic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old woman liked the fact that she was feared.

To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack at 68.

He had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked: ‘Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?’

The Man put down his drink and said: ‘Let her dig.

I had her buried upside down.’
B&C 104

THE RESPONSE OF STORMIN’ NORMAN
From Maj Greta Thornbory QARANC TD

In 2002, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked whether there was any room for forgiveness toward the people who had harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 11 Sep attacks on America.
His answer was classic. Schwartzkopf said: ‘I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting.’
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A PIRATE AND THE BARMAN’S QUERY
From Gary Palmer:
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly.
As he walks up to the bar the bartender says: ‘Hey pal, you know you've got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?’

The pirate says: ‘Yarr! It's driving me nuts!’
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THE TWO PIRATES

From Gary Palmer:
Two pirates are talking in a bar. One has a wooden leg, a hook and a patch. The other only has pirate clothes.
The second pirate says to the first: ‘How'd ya get that wooden leg, mate?’
The first replies: ‘Yarr, it done got bit off by a varmint shark.’
The second pirate is, of course, impressed. ‘Aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen. How'd ya get dat metal hook?’
The first replies: ‘Lost 'er in a sword fight. He cut off me hand!’
‘Aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen,’ says the second pirate, again impressed.
‘How'd ya get dat patch on your eye?’
‘Well, I was up in the crow's nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull,’ says the first pirate, ‘and the damn ting pooped right in me eye.’
In disbelief the second pirate says, ‘Well, how'd dat make ya blind?’
The first pirate replied: ‘Yarr... first day wit me 'ook.’
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THE CUSTOMER’S REQUEST
From Gary Palmer:

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman:

‘Can I have a pint of Less, please?’

‘I'm sorry sir,’ the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, ‘I've not come across that before. Is it a spirit?’
’No idea,’ replies the guy, ‘I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.’

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THE MAN WHO WALKED INTO A BAR
From Gary Palmer:
A man walks into a bar. Pretty soon another man walks into the bar.

The 1st man asks the 2nd: ‘Oh, you didn't see it either?’
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THE BEER FESTIVAL

From Gary Palmer:
At the Great Britain Beer Festival, all the Presidents of the breweries decide to go to a pub for a drink.
The Coors President says: ‘Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please.’
The bartender gave him the drink.
The Budweiser President orders: ‘The King of Beers -Budweiser.’
The bartender proceeds with the order.
The Amstel President orders: ‘The Finest Beer Ever.’
The bartender gives him an Amstel.
Then the Guinness President says: ‘A Coke please.’
The bartender is taken aback by this, but gives the Coke to him anyway.
All the Presidents look at him and say, ‘Why have you ordered a Coke?’
‘If none of you are drinking beer, then neither shall I.’
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THE COWBOY
From Gary Palmer:
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling.
‘Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?’ he yelled.
No one answered.
‘All right, I’m gonna have anotha’ beer, and if my hoss ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I done in Texas!’
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The cowboy did what he said and after another beer, walked outside and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked: ‘Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?’
The cowboy turned back and said: ‘'I had to walk home.’
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A MAN’S ONE WISH
From Mef in Botswana :
A man was walking along a California beach deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud: ‘Lord grant me one wish.’
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said: ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’
The man said: ‘Dear Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.’
The Lord said: ‘Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I sure can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me.’
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said: ‘Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?’
‘You want 2 or 4 lanes on the bridge?’
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A BLONDE FISHING
From Mef in Botswana :
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary ‘tools’ together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: ‘There are no fish under the ice!’
Startled, she moved further down the ice, poured a cup of coffee, and began to cut yet another hole in the ice.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed: ‘There are no fish under the ice!’
Now quite worried, she moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and again tried to cut a hole.
The voice came again: ‘There are no fish under the ice!’
She stopped, looked up, and asked: ‘Is that you Lord?’
The voice replied: ‘No, the manager of the ice rink!’
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THE CRAP GAME
From Brian in Canada :
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said: ‘I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.’
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled: ‘Mama needs new clothes!’
Then she hollered: ‘Yes, yes! I won! I won!’
She jumped up and down, hugged the dealers, picked up the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one asked: ‘What did she roll?’
‘I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!’
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
B&C 104

THE CNN NEWS FLASH
From Maj Greta Thornbury TD QARANC
CNN have film of what they believe is an Irish SAS attack on Kabul; four guys were seen throwing 2 buckets of sand and 1 of cement over the wall of the Taliban compound.
The Taliban said they were being mortared!
B&C 104

HOW THE MILITARY DEAL WITH SNAKES
From Maj Greta Thornbury TD QARANC
Infantry: Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.
Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.
Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.
Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller ‘Python Two Zero’.
Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.
RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.
Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.
Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. Generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2006. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.
Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.
16. Adjutant General Corps: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

B&C 104

COL TIM SWAYNE AND A FAUX PAS

The Norfolk Editor writes: ‘In 1973, after returning to UK from Zambia and Uganda, I joined 6 R Anglian after seeing an advertisement in the Thetford Sports Centre, asking for chaps [no ladies then - but see below] to join the new 2 (Thetford) Platoon of 6 R Anglian. The A Coy OC, Maj David James (later Col, TD OBE), succeeding the Late Maj David Standley TD, appeared one evening on my doorstep and appointed me as OC Thetford Pl. [He must have liked my CV which included a reference to my being OC 1968-1970 of the Luanshya (Zambia) CCF Coy and my holding weekend exercises at the Luanshya Gorge where I manned a loaded Light Machine Gun as Cadets crossed the gorge, hand over hand on a rope. The reason being that hippos and crocs were frequent, and interested, visitors!] We went to the TA Centre in Thetford and I was introduced as the new Platoon Commander - albeit not having been formally interviewed by the CO, Lt Col Paul Raywood (later Col, TD DL). Pte Frank Anthony (who died, prematurely, on 26 Apr 2002, after a long illness) spotted me, in an awful Harris Tweed jacket (later relegated as a bed for the cats, as it made me look too much like a schoolmaster). Frank, an inimitable salt-of-the-earth-cockney, was conducting a lesson on the Bren gun on the concrete - 1st and 2nd IAs - ie Immediate Actions. At the end Frank said: 'Ere, Sir, wanna have a go?' I dropped behind the Bren and awaited orders. 'Gun firing alright, gun stops ...' Taught, not a few years earlier, by a Hythe Instructor at the Zambia School of Infantry and then, myself, instructing on the Bren, it all, thankfully, came back. Remembering the old adage about the barrel 'the first 4 inches don't count', the Bren was reassembled. The vital last drills : 'top-cover, bottom cover, sights and lever' were recalled before a leap to my feet. I don't recall who was more impressed!
Later that Autumn in 1973, having been vetted, inducted and signing the ‘Official Secrets Act’ (the 1st of many to date - the most recent being Nov 04), my first weekend with the Bn was at Thetford Rifle Range for the annual Bn ‘Skill at Arms Meeting’. Arriving in the dark, I found the tented Officers’ Mess Tent.
Within was my OC, Maj David James. Knowing the form, I called for a round of drinks. The barman was a slim and spare chap, wearing a black polo-neck jumper.
I said: ‘Barman, a round of drinks on me.’ He did not demur nor raise any objection. The drinks were dispensed and drunk. Next morning, over breakfast, I became somewhat aware of my faux-pas. There, among the Offrs Mess breakfastees, was the barman. It was Maj Tim Swayne, 2nd in Command and soon to become the Commanding Officer! He never said a word, then or later, but now, over 30 years on, may I say: ‘Sorry Colonel.’

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